Cafe Azul

346 Bridge Rd, Richmond, VIC
Date: 10.9.11

This is one of those places that calls itself a café but you can tell they would really rather be a restaurant. The tables and the dressing looks restaurant like and they’ve tried hard with their menu, but it’s still a café. And not that good of one either. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not awful, just average. There’s no table service, and while the staff were friendly, it’s a hassle getting up mid conversation to order another coffee. The food does seem nice, my friend loved her breakfast and my pumpkin muffin was divine. It was all kinds of delicious. As for the coffee, it was okay. It had a nice taste but was nothing too special. There’s nothing wrong with this place, there’s just nothing that special either.

AMBIENCE:    On a great street for cafes and eating, but doesn’t really stand out. The furniture doesn’t impress but at least the booths were comfortable. 2.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly, and they did serve my friend a breakfast even though their breakfast time had finished. It was just damn counter service. They had enough staff on to serve. 3.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    A little above average. Happily drank two cups, but really wasn’t blown away by the flavour. 3 out of 5.

Combi Coffee Espresso

84 Ormond Rd, Elwood
Date: 9.10.11

People rave about this tiny little place so I was eager to try it out. It has a nice feel and the inside, though small, looks inviting. I sat outside and was ready to try the coffee. Marks were off straight away, organic, just not a huge fan. But also, both coffees I had were slightly burnt. For somewhere that prides themselves on brilliant coffee, it felt sloppy. However, I will say the treats they had on offer looked unique and tasty. I had this amazing lime cake that was outstanding. The staff seem friendly but weren’t that good at their jobs. First time I’ve seen a server drop an entire scolding hot cup of coffee as they served. It only just missed my friend, hitting a bit of her shoe. I understand why people would like this place, but there are certainly better cafes out there.

AMBIENCE:    This is probably the highlight of this place. You can sit in the funky inside area, or on the beautiful Ormond Rd. Very laidback. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly but a little useless. Burnt coffee and dropped orders don’t give me much faith. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    For all the hype it certainly only seemed average to me, and wasn’t even that hot. And we know that bitch, I like it hot. 2.5 out of 5.

Rococo

87 – 91 Acland St, St Kilda
Date: 29.8.11

A sunny day in St Kilda designed to sit out in the sun and enjoy a coffee (okay, I hate direct sunlight, I’m a ranga after all. So I sat under an umbrella – but still enjoyed it). The outside eating area is cosy and the red chairs are striking. It was nice without being over spectacular. The one thing that was awful, and I guess you can’t really blame the staff, were the two separate beggars who came into the dining area to ask every patron for money. The service was friendly enough, but didn’t seem overly pleased we were only drinking coffee, asking us several times if we wanted food. I must admit I wasn’t expecting a lot from the coffee, especially since all three coffees came out at very different times. Then my long black was in a glass. I thought why would you send out the hottest drink in a glass? Surprisingly the taste was beautiful. The cream on the long black looked divine, and tasted it. A full and rounded flavour that I savoured. I hear the food is nice, I think after my beautiful coffee I will have to return and try.

AMBIENCE:    Beautiful location on a beautiful day. Beggars entering the dining really spoil the ambience (I sound like a rich knob, but I just think it’s rude). 3 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly and fast but seemed annoyed we didn’t order food and the coffees all came out at very different times. 3 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Delicious. This was the real surprise of my visit. A full flavoured cup of goodness. 4.5 out of 5.

Dr Jekyll

107 Grey St, St Kilda, Victoria
Date: 27.8.11

I’d never been to this part of St Kilda before, but wow I’m glad I finally did. This is a busy little café that feels inviting. I walked in thinking it was just the funky little inside area, I would have been happy with that. But no, there’s also a little leafy courtyard that was perfect for my sunny Saturday morning (even if a leaf did fall into my friend’s coffee). Service was quick, but funnily enough they brought out water glasses when we first arrived but no water until we asked. However, after that it was kept filled and our waitress was great, friendly and very helpful (I was a problem customer asking about all their types of jams). As for the coffee, a beautiful drop. It was well rounded and full of flavour. This is how a café should be. It may have been busy but it still felt cruisey and inviting. I’ll be back for sure.

AMBIENCE:    Whether you’re sitting inside or out, it feels comfortable. Wonderfully laid out to maximise tables. Felt great sitting under the sun, covered by the trees. 4.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly and fast. They were great, but half a point taken off for giving us water glasses with no water. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    A bloody nice drop. Beautifully rich and full. 4.5 out of 5.

Carre Street Deli

372 Glenhuntly Rd, Elsternwick, Victoria
Date: 24.8.11

I’d been into this wonderful little deli to buy cheese before, but had never stopped off for a coffee and some food. And boy am I glad I finally did. While the red chairs may be nice, the key to this place is the amazing food that surrounds you. You can almost plan your week’s eating by looking at the walls. And the cakes on display almost look orgasmic. For breakfast I had the breakfast trifle and it was divine. I’m a big rhubarb fan and combined with the bircher it was amazing. The service was friendly, but it still continues my disappointment with no table service. I will say though it’s not good if you hear the kitchen have a small argument (unless you’re going to eat at Hell’s Kitchen). My first cup of coffee was a disappointment, it was filled too high with water and it drowned out the great coffee flavour. My good mate Nicole told her when ordering the second cup and it came with less water and a 100% better flavour. It was a stunning, strong and well rounded flavoured cup – I just wish I hadn’t had the first one. All in all though, you really should check out this amazing little venue.

AMBIENCE:    If you like a little bit of gourmet food, then you’ll love this place. It’s hard to leave without buying something to take home. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly but they don’t go the extra mile. Was mid compliment on the food and was cut me off. 3 out of 5.

COFFEE:    It would have gotten a 4.5 if I only had the second cup, but the first was far too watery and she had to be instructed to not fill the long black to the top. 3.5 out of 5.

Nineteen Squares

31 Blessington St, St Kilda, Victoria
Date: 23.8.11

Just around the corner from Acland Street is this little gem. It was an amazing day in Melbourne with the sun out high. I sat outside for two hours at this café on a winter’s day and even managed to get colour in my face. Now this place is a little ghetto, which is part of the appeal. Old stools with hessian bags as cushion covers and sparse old tables or bread trays and milk crates in sand outside. It sounds vile, but trust me, it has major appeal. Never a fan of ordering at the counter, but the service by the very attractive staff was great. The coffee was nice but admittedly a little cold. The second cup was better and I wanted to like it more than I did. The flavours weren’t bad, just a little standard. But the thing about this place, it is great to just sit back and have some great chats in a very funky little café.

AMBIENCE:    Perfect. Ghetto chic combined with a great location. 4.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Counter service but very friendly. Very easy going. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Wish I could give it a higher score. First cup luke warm and the second may have been better but it had a pretty stock standard taste. But my friend did have real chocolate on his cappuccino, so they get a bonus half mark for that. 3 out of 5.

Cafe De Cuba

69 Glenhuntly Rd, Elwood, Victoria
Date: 20.8.11

There’s a lot of café competition in this end of Elwood, and Café De Cuba does sit exactly across the road from the gargantuan Turtle Café. The good news for this place, it more than holds its own. I have been here before, but it seems like they’re only getting better. A friendly smile greeted us as we came in and sat down. It is a big place, so there’s quite a few areas to choose from, including a nice outside area that was stunning on a sunny Melbourne afternoon. There may be nothing highly original about this place, but it doesn’t matter because what they do, they do well. The food is great, I seem to have an obsession with scrambled eggs and they do them well. My friend Nicole loved her mussel dish. Then there’s the coffee, and it’s a decent cup. It has a nice rich and rounded flavour. Like the café, it may not be overly special but it is good quality. I certainly think this place is worth a visit.

AMBIENCE:    Stunning area (I live in Elwood, of course I’m going to say that), and with a prime corner position it’s great. Nice, stock standard furniture. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly and fast. The staff seem to like where they work and that always makes for a better dining experience. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    A nice coffee indeed. Has a beautiful flavour – happily had my second cup. 4 out of 5.

Jungle Juice Bar

Jungle Juice Bar

20 Centre Pl, Melbourne CBD, Victoria
Date: 19.8.11

My love affair with those CBD laneways continues and this place is an absolute gem. It really doesn’t look much from the front, some of the other cafes on this strip have more immediate appeal. But what this place does best is what you want. Service was very fast and was friendly, the chef even popped out for a second to talk to us. You really couldn’t work here if you were claustrophobic, we were there for lunch and the walls started closing in on me. The Golden Book menus were a nice touch, although mine was a Pokemon one. They have Pokemon Golden books? And it looked quite old. How old am I now? Our food was great, and for this side of town, very well priced. I had a beef burger bagel and it was all kinds of divine. Then there’s the coffee, my marker for everything. The coffee was strong, bold and delicious. I’ve been exploring all the cafes around this area and, so far, this has been my favourite by a long way. A mini delight you should check out.

AMBIENCE:    In one of the best laneways in the CBD, but it really doesn’t look much. The crowd in there lead you to believe it’s a good one. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Top rate. They are friendly and fast. Unlike other cafes around here, these kids clearly enjoy their workplace and this makes it a delight to go there. 4.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Divine. It was a beautiful drop and I loved both my cups. Well rounded flavours with a beautiful aftertaste. 4.5 out of 5

Degraves Espresso Bar

23 Degraves St, Melbourne CBD, Victoria
Date: 17.8.11

I think I could spend a week in Degraves St and I’d be happy, it’s like café heaven. Laneways like this are why I love Melbourne. But the problem with places this wonderful, they will always get customers. Tourists file through and they don’t have to worry about return business. I’m not going to tar every café on this great street with the same brush, just Degraves Espresso Bar. The staff clearly don’t want to be there, and I’d hate to think what the kitchen must look like. Coffee is served with that extra touch of snarl and disdain. When we asked for water it was like we’d just called her mother a whore. And I had a muffin which she said was the last one. It had obviously been there for days as it was stale and dry (hence the need for water). My first cup of coffee was nice, albeit a little too strong. The second coffee was burnt, and it was obvious just looking at it. A barista who cared would certainly never have sent it out. I love the old theatre seating in the café, it looks like it will be an amazing place – hence why so many come through the door. But my recommendation, come to Degraves St, just choose somewhere different.

AMBIENCE:    The strength of this place. It’s the old real estate rule, the worst place in the best street still gets attention. Theatre seating is inspired, shame it doesn’t rub off on the staff. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Resentful. Oh you want more? Rude. Blasé. Clearly second rate. I have a problem with funky places that seem to think they are better than the patrons they are serving. No patrons would equal unemployment. Is politeness really that hard? 1 out of 5.

COFFEE:    The first cup was good, although a little too strong (and this is someone who drinks black coffee like tap water). Second one clearly burnt, why would you send it out? 3 out of 5.

Cafe Riva

The Walk, 309 – 325 Bourke St, Melbourne CBD, Victoria
Date: 17.8.11

This place is in the perfect location. It was one of those rainy Melbourne days and I’d been walking around for ages and was keen to sit down somewhere nice for a coffee and lunch. The heater was on outside and I happily sat down in this funky Melbourne alleyway to watch the world go by. The service was friendly and pretty fast but it became apparent that more than anything, they just wanted to get you in there. The food was bland and majorly overpriced and as for the coffee, such a disappointment. They use one of my favourite beans, Giancarlo, but the coffee was drowned out by an overuse of water. They clearly subscribe to the “a full cup is best” attitude, when I’d rather my long black not filled to the top and tasting strong. Ironically, the cup has “Coffee is my life” written on the side. If this coffee is your life, then you are pretty God damn bland.

AMBIENCE:    It’s an impressive looking café in an amazing location. But the staff member out the front hawking their wears to every passer by is a distraction. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Competent is a good word, but there was little flair. And see above about outside hawking. 3.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    They use great beans and then flood them with water. Disappointing. 2.5 out of 5.

The Elwood General Store

5 Ormond Rd, Elwood, Victoria
Date: 15.8.11

Confession time, I’m a sucker for commercialism. I love my TV, love pop music, I like to see blockbusters at the cinema and I’ve worked on the TV show Neighbours. Hippies hate me, and I’m okay with that – I actually kind of like it. The Elwood General Store feels like a place hippies would like. It is actually an organic food store with a little café tacked on down the back. They make food which highlights the groceries you can buy. My friends had the porridge, I had a mouthful and it did seem very nice. The service was friendly enough but a little slow – my coffee seemed to take ages to arrive and we were one of only two tables there. Clearly the store side comes first. As for the coffee, I am admittedly not a fan of organic coffee. It has a distinctive taste which I feel takes away from the flavour. It was an okay drop, just nothing special. I understand why people like this place, like I understand why people go bush and live without electricity for a week. I’m just not one of them.

AMBIENCE:    The café section is far too small but is dressed shabby chic and seems to work. But I did feel like I needed to confess to the waiter that the last two films I saw at the cinema were superhero films. 3 out of 5.

SERVICE:    They were friendly, but slow and things seemed to come out at very different times. The big pot of chai came out before my friend’s latte. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Clearly they are proud of their chai’s and dandelion teas that coffee felt like an after thought. I can only really say it was average. 2.5 out of 5.

The Artful Dodger

267 Glenhuntly Rd, Elsternwick
Date: 14.8.11

I walk past this café all the time and have always wanted to try it on for size. Located just across from Elsternwick station, it has the perfect location. It is such an attractive café, the outside area is very inviting, and the inside is funky and modern. I was there in the middle of Melbourne winter and the glare from the glass was a little too much. I’d hate to be there in summer. I really wanted to like this place, but the service lets it down – big time. The waiters have that great skill of walking past you without looking at your table. It took ages for us to order and I had to call them over. Sure the food came out super quick, and while my scrambled eggs were nice they were slightly cold. I get the feeling the food came out so quick because they’re precooking food on a busy Sunday morning. We were left alone again for ages and I had to call someone over once more for my second coffee. Then when we tried to pay the bill, we stood at the counter for a few minutes before one of the four behind the counter even said they’d be with us in a minute. We could have walked out and been a kilometre down the road before they even knew – and my friend is heavily pregnant. Shocking service for a place that is clearly loved, I sense some arrogance. As for the coffee, it was good. The chocolate covered coffee bean that arrived with the coffee was a nice touch, but was lacking from the second cup. The taste is strong and rounded. I’ve had better lately but still really enjoyed this fine drop. I’d be back, but I just don’t have the time to wait to be served.

AMBIENCE:    By the bucket loads my friends. Such a lovely outside area and the inside has a very fresh and inviting feel. That glass worries me though, I think it will be exceptionally glary and hot in summer. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Woeful, and I don’t use that word lightly. They’re smiles when they get to you, but they just don’t get to you often. And the wait at the end to pay the bill was unforgivable. Standing at a counter where four people are all actively trying to ignore you. Wouldn’t it have taken less effort to just serve us? 1 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Good. I have drunk a lot of different coffee recently and this is a nice drop, but certainly not the best, but better than many others. Nice bold, rich flavours. 4 out of 5.

Dino's Deli

34 Chapel St, Windsor, Victoria
Date: 15.8.11

This end of Chapel St isn’t the nice part. The shops around here are a little grotty and to add to that feel, there’s a sex shop next door. The café doesn’t look like much from the front, but as some old bat once said, “You can’t judge a book by its cover”. Inside this café is divine, it’s like a rabbit warren. There’s a long hallway with all these little off shoot private areas where you can sit privately. Or there’s a big communal area at the front if you want to be around others. The layout is completely unique and the eclectic furniture and art only adds to this. The service was incredibly friendly, but being away in your own area can make it harder when you want anything else. But on this day, our food and drinks came out exceptionally fast. I wanted to love the coffee, just to add to the love I was hearting for this place. The coffee, however, was their low point. While it wasn’t bad, it just tasted a little metallic – I felt like I could taste the water. But still, I happily drank two cups and the flavour was okay. I’d love to return to this place for dinner, it seems like a very fun place.

AMBIENCE:    Major ambience happening here. What a special little place it is. Loved the decorating and loved that our seats were isolated and we could talk about what we liked without an audience, and we did! 4.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Exceptionally friendly, our waiter was wonderful. But lucky we didn’t need anything else as we were very isolated. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    It was strange. The first thing I said to my friend Fiona, I could taste the water. Never had that before. It was slightly metallic, taking away from the rounded coffee flavour. Okay drop, certainly had better lately. 2.5 out of 5.

Turtle Cafe

34 Glenhuntly Rd, Elwood, Victoria
Date: 12.8.11

This place is an Elwood institution, sitting in the perfect location to sit on a warm Melbourne afternoon and sip coffee or a glass of wine. This was winter, so I sat inside. But still, this place is all about the ambience and has that great feel where you feel very relaxed. I’ve been there at night, not as good then, so come for the afternoon with some friends and you’ll love it. The coffee was good without being great. It was very strong but seemed to lack some of the smoother edges. Service was friendly without being overly memorable. A nice place that may not be the best, but is still pretty good.

AMBIENCE:    This is what this place has. Try this cafe in spring and sit outside with your friends or maybe a good book. Maybe even buy me a coffee! 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Nice enough and quite fast. They’re competent but you feel they don’t go that extra mile. 3.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    It’s a nice drop, and it’s very full and strong. The flavour just lacks some depth. 3.5 out of 5.

Monk Bodhi Dharma

202 Carlisle St, Balaclava, Victoria
Date: 12.8.11

Being from Sydney I’m not quite used to amazing venues off the beaten track. Subtle is an evil word in my old hometown, but in Melbourne seems all the rage. I’ve been to a pub in a back street where I thought I was going to get mugged, only to find over a hundred people in an amazing venue. The same principle applies here, and I’m not talking about the mugging. Down a laneway behind busy Carlisle St you’ll find this café that looks like nothing on the outside, but instead is a bustling but tiny café. Okay, I’m not a vegetarian and the only thing sustainable in my life is my coffee and Madonna love, but it’s pretty cool they make sustainable foods from scratch. Plus, my bircher was lovely, although slightly heavy on the apple. This place is great but because of the size, there is a big communal table, which I despise, but it’s a small quibble for a great venue. And as for the coffee, divine. Full, rich and flavoursome. I was hanging for that second cup. Very hard to find a fault here, a wonderful café that won’t stay a secret for long.

AMBIENCE:    This tiny and hidden venue was packed and rightly so. Nice tables and seats, even though I’m not a fan of the communal thing. It felt easy to sit, drink coffee and have a nice chat. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Fast and friendly. Clearly they enjoy their workplace and customers reap that benefit. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    A special drop indeed. They have their own blends you can take home, and I think I’ll go back to buy some. This is what you want in a coffee, and great flavour and a beautiful after taste. Salivating thinking about it now. 4.5 out of 5.

Chimmys

342 – 344 Bridge Rd, Richmond, Victoria
Date: 11.8.11

Orgasmic. That’s how I’d describe the cakes on display when you walk in. Yum. But then you sit nowhere near them and are told you have to go to the counter to order and carry your own food back to your seat. I just find it poor customer service, is it that hard to take to orders at a table, especially when they seemed to have so many staff on. But my lemon meringue tart was a special kind of divine. Very tart and very refreshing, just like I like my men! Both my coffees, however, seemed slightly burnt. There was a lot of flavour but they were just tinged with that burnt sensation. If you’re a fan of cakes, but not coffee, then this is your place.

AMBIENCE:    Walking in I nearly wet myself, but then the sparse dining area looks a little too like a restaurant. I’m not sure if they know what they want to be, a café, a bakery or a restaurant. That just adds up to inconsistencies. 2.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    They were friendly, but they just stand behind the counter. Even our first set of empty cups seemed to stay on the table for ages. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Muh. Had potential, but a bad job from the barista left it burnt. My mate Amanda loved her skinny latte. My long black, could have been real good. The beans seemed great and full but were just prepared wrong. 3 out of 5.

Charlie Browns

35/37 Blessington St, St Kilda, Victoria
Date: 7.8.11

My friend Laura had been hanging out all week to go here. I started to succumb to the peer group pressure and thought about the many times I’d walked past and thought, yeah, this place looks good. So time to order. He was friendly, but there was no green tea. At a café. We waited forever for the coffee to come out, and it really wasn’t that busy for a Sunday (and my motto, if you’re going to have a lot of tables, have the staff to cater to them). Laura’s came out alone, I waited another few minutes before mine came out, and it was average at best. It wasn’t bad, and had an okay flavour, it just wasn’t special. More friends arrived and we ordered food. Two wanted the menu item where chorizo sausage was the featured item. They didn’t have any chorizo. Seriously? Coles and Woolies are two minutes down the road. The food took ages to come out and then again they didn’t bring out an item, a tea they had to be reminded of. Sure the food was nice, but wow they knew how to charge. And what for? Sloppy service and a menu that doesn’t have a number of items in stock. Disappointing in so many ways.

AMBIENCE:    This is the one thing this place has. Just like in real estate, it has location, location, location. A great outdoor area that’s comfortable and an attractive interior. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    They may be friendly, but they don’t actually seem to know what they’re doing. Missing ingredients and drinks not delivered together. I keep thinking what Gordon Ramsay would say about not taking things out at the same time (maybe I’ve just been watching too much Hell’s Kitchen). 1.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    In one word, okay. I enjoyed, but then I did wait long enough. Had some nice flavour but just wasn’t bold or rich enough. 3 out of 5.

Presse Cafe Wine Bar

97 Brighton Rd, Elwood, Victoria
Date: 5.8.11

I walk past this place a lot and have been wanting to try it out. It looks pretty laid back and it is. The staff love to stand behind the bar and have a chat and people can be found sitting down having a nice glass of boutique wine. And that’s the problem, they really just want to be a bar but seem to be hedging their bets both ways. But truthfully, the bar component comes out on top, easily. My friend Jules loved the vibe and look, said it was very European. She too loved the bar feel, but said her mocha was the worst she’d had. And it appeared that way with all the dried chocolate clumped at the bottom of her cup. And the staff treat it like a bar, not coming to take our coffee order, but staying behind the bar. And as for my coffee, it was alright, a step above average. Nice taste but fairly unmemorable. I’d go again, but probably only for a wine.

AMBIENCE:    Cruisy and laidback. They may be on a main road, but you can’t tell. We sat in the corner booth and felt quite at home. The wall of grog was impressive, but again, I was there for the café. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Sure it was friendly, but come on, come from behind the bar to take our order. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Pretty standard. It had a nice flavour and was rounded but nothing too special. 3 out of 5.

Amici Bakery Cafe

242 Chapel St, Prahran, Victoria
Date: 4.8.11

The first thing you notice walking into this very large café is the counter with all their cakes on display, I must admit to almost getting some wood! This place has a great feel to it as you sit back and enjoy your coffee. While there’s nothing unique about this place, it’s nice enough and a nice escape from the afternoon. The very attractive counter staff are friendly, and our first waiter was lovely; the rest of the staff seemed to take your order with a side of snarl. One of the female staff clearly didn’t want to be there, or maybe she just didn’t like how loud my friend Elle and I were laughing. Whatever the reason, she tainted what was up to then a nice experience. As for coffee, a step above middle of the road. It was rounded and tasty but I’ve certainly had better lately. Nice place, just not overly memorable.

AMBIENCE:    Nice and roomy, but seems to be always full – a good sign. And if you have a sweet tooth, you will love the cake display. But the place lacks individuality. 3 out of 5.

SERVICE:    This is going to sound horribly sexist but is the utmost truth, the male staff were incredibly friendly while the female staff seemed to hate the world. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Nice, and a step above average. But just like the rest of this place, not overly special. Happily had my second cup though and the after taste was nice. 3 out of 5.

Rupert & the Fig

300 Bay St, Brighton, Victoria
Date: 2.8.11

I wanted to like this place just because of the name, but unfortunately this place is a bit like Brighton itself, a little pretentious. There’s nothing overly wrong with this cafe, it’s just unspectacular and uninspired. For a Tuesday lunch, the service was dreadful. When the pretty waitress got to us she was friendly and full of smiles, but my friend Nicole and I were seconds away from walking out because they just didn’t want to seem to take our order. Our food was nice enough. I wanted to try the chicken balsamic salad, but at $18.50 it just seemed hideously overpriced. And there’s the coffee, my life long love. I like strong coffee, and bitch, you know I like it hot. But the coffee here is just too strong (and I can’t believe I’m actually typing this – never thought I’d write something like that!). Rupert and the Fig? More like Rupert and the disappointing visit.

AMBIENCE:    There’s nothing special about this place except the name. 2 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly but fuck they were slow. It’s never good if you’re going to walk out because they just don’t serve you, but serve the society bitch who walked in ten minutes after you. I suppose that’s why a writer and an actor shouldn’t go out for lunch in fancy areas! 1.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Far too strong, there was nothing rounded about the flavours. It just smacked you in the face. 2 out of 5.

Jerry's Milk Bar

345 Barkly St, Elwood, VIC
Date: 3.8.11

This has been called an Elwood institution, but honestly, in my seven months living locally I hadn’t been before. I’d always heard good things, and read that is was like an old fashioned milk bar inside. I must admit, it’s a stunning looking café, and the cakes behind the counter look amazing – but while the outside looks like an old fashioned milk bar, the inside doesn’t. When I think of my childhood I remember glass counters with mixed lollies and chocolate bars. I didn’t see this here, and I would have loved that vibe from a place with milk bar in the title. The service was friendly but slow, with the staff more interested in chatting to themselves or texting. The highlight of my visit was definitely the coffee. This is one of the nicer drops I’ve tasted recently. Strong flavour and very rich and creamy, I’d go again for that.

AMBIENCE:    Cruisey and quite big inside, I even spied a nice area out the back. There’s some lovely art of the walls of this place’s glory days. I think it’s meant to inspire, it just made me feel a little sad I never came during their past reign. 3 out of 5.

SERVICE:    While they may smile and speak nicely to you, they seem to not want to be there. And they’re definitely more interested in what their co-workers or friends did the night before. 2 out 5.

COFFEE:    Their real highlight. This is a good drop, and the second cup gave me quite the buzz – always a good sign. Bold, punchy and tasty. 3.5 out of 5.

Galleon Cafe

9 Carlisle St, St Kilda
Date: 1.8.11

Another place I've been before, actually a few times. It has been battling for my favourite St Kilda spot along with Leroy. Sometimes it’s harder getting a seat in here than it is in some of the cities best 5 stars restaurants. This place is packed with regulars and feels the way a café should. They’ve gone with the old school shabby chic vibe and it works a treat. Staff are friendly and helpful and best of all, the coffee is beautifully rich and full. Close competition with Leroy for St Kilda’s best, this place has the better service but Leroy just edges out with the coffee. Food is great and this is what other local cafes should aspire to be like.

AMBIENCE:    This place has it in spades. Relaxed crowd and it feels comfortable to sit, drink coffee and chat. Even had a small celeb spotting, Colin Hay at the next table. 4.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Friendly. Always full of smiles and ready for a good chat. Even better, they are prompt and fast. 4.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Close to perfect. Strong, bold and a nice after taste. Happily finished 2 cups. 4.5 out of 5.

Blue Tongue Cafe

62 Ormond Rd, Elwood
Date: 30.7.11

My mates Fletch (what a stunning coffee model he is) and Laura like to go to this place because they have a large frontage where they can take their very big and beautiful dogs. The dogs seem to like the place, me, not so much. The staff are great, really friendly. Many places with great coffee have arrogant sons of bitches sneering at you as you order. Then there’s places like this who are almost serving coffee flavoured dishwater but are really nice doing it. The food’s okay but nothing exceptional and that coffee, well for a blog called “Bitch, I like it hot”, the coffee was the coldest I’ve had in a long time. While the location is perfect, and I had a nice Saturday afternoon with my friends in the Melbourne winter sun, it wasn’t cause of the café, just the company. I wish I could like them more.

AMBIENCE:    Great Elwood spot right on the main drag. Nice to sit outside in the very open front. Dogs welcome. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Really quite good. The staff are friendly, fast and talkative. Impressive. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    I wish there were another question. I’m a coffee boy and theirs is pretty piss poor. Cold and forgettable. 2 out of 5.

Abbey Road

129-131 Acland St, St Kilda
Date: 29.7.11

Here’s the thing, I want to like this place. I really do. Over my past 7 months in Melbourne I’ve been here a few times and always want to like it more than I do. The walls here are amazing (though that’s a sad indication of the place if that’s my favourite thing), they are covered with old records, posters and old school music memorabilia. The music always plays loud and all in all the staff are friendly. I’ve had food here several times, sometimes it’s nice and sometimes below par – dinner is usually better than breakfast. The wine list is nice and after my coffee had a great glass of Sem/Sav. But for me it’s always about the coffee, and theirs is average. It pretty much sums up the whole place.

AMBIENCE:    Always good, for somewhere this average. The number of people through is always impressive. Plus the music and the amazing looking walls always help. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Just above average. They get you your order, they are polite, they like to chat to each other at the bar. 3 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Average, dull and unmemorable. Clearly they see themselves as more than a café and it shows, the love isn’t in the art of coffee. 2.5 out of 5.

Las Chicas

203 Carlisle St, Balaclava, VIC
Date: 29.7.11

You can tell this place is a favourite as soon as you walk in the door, it’s very buzzy and they have large foot traffic. I suppose being next to Balaclava train station helps. I really wanted to like this place, my first waiter was friendly, seated me quickly and my coffee came out fast. Then it all went downhill from there. My food was brought out by a waiter on the phone who didn’t even look at me, and then (cue horror soundtrack), my coffee was burnt. So was the second cup, which I struggled to order because phone boy apparently wasn’t interested in serving me and I had to yell after him as he took my empty that I wanted another. I know people love this place, but to be honest, I am not one of them.

AMBIENCE:    This is what this place has in spades. The café looks amazing and looks very inviting. And I enjoyed the touch of having water in Absolut Vodka bottles, the alchie in me thought it was tops. 4 out of 5

SERVICE:    It started well, the one older waiter was exceptional. The rest, average. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    What a let down, it was burnt and average. At least it was strong. 2.5 out of 5.