Blue Tongue Cafe

62 Ormond Rd, Elwood
Date: 30.7.11

My mates Fletch (what a stunning coffee model he is) and Laura like to go to this place because they have a large frontage where they can take their very big and beautiful dogs. The dogs seem to like the place, me, not so much. The staff are great, really friendly. Many places with great coffee have arrogant sons of bitches sneering at you as you order. Then there’s places like this who are almost serving coffee flavoured dishwater but are really nice doing it. The food’s okay but nothing exceptional and that coffee, well for a blog called “Bitch, I like it hot”, the coffee was the coldest I’ve had in a long time. While the location is perfect, and I had a nice Saturday afternoon with my friends in the Melbourne winter sun, it wasn’t cause of the café, just the company. I wish I could like them more.

AMBIENCE:    Great Elwood spot right on the main drag. Nice to sit outside in the very open front. Dogs welcome. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Really quite good. The staff are friendly, fast and talkative. Impressive. 4 out of 5.

COFFEE:    I wish there were another question. I’m a coffee boy and theirs is pretty piss poor. Cold and forgettable. 2 out of 5.

Abbey Road

129-131 Acland St, St Kilda
Date: 29.7.11

Here’s the thing, I want to like this place. I really do. Over my past 7 months in Melbourne I’ve been here a few times and always want to like it more than I do. The walls here are amazing (though that’s a sad indication of the place if that’s my favourite thing), they are covered with old records, posters and old school music memorabilia. The music always plays loud and all in all the staff are friendly. I’ve had food here several times, sometimes it’s nice and sometimes below par – dinner is usually better than breakfast. The wine list is nice and after my coffee had a great glass of Sem/Sav. But for me it’s always about the coffee, and theirs is average. It pretty much sums up the whole place.

AMBIENCE:    Always good, for somewhere this average. The number of people through is always impressive. Plus the music and the amazing looking walls always help. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Just above average. They get you your order, they are polite, they like to chat to each other at the bar. 3 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Average, dull and unmemorable. Clearly they see themselves as more than a café and it shows, the love isn’t in the art of coffee. 2.5 out of 5.

Las Chicas

203 Carlisle St, Balaclava, VIC
Date: 29.7.11

You can tell this place is a favourite as soon as you walk in the door, it’s very buzzy and they have large foot traffic. I suppose being next to Balaclava train station helps. I really wanted to like this place, my first waiter was friendly, seated me quickly and my coffee came out fast. Then it all went downhill from there. My food was brought out by a waiter on the phone who didn’t even look at me, and then (cue horror soundtrack), my coffee was burnt. So was the second cup, which I struggled to order because phone boy apparently wasn’t interested in serving me and I had to yell after him as he took my empty that I wanted another. I know people love this place, but to be honest, I am not one of them.

AMBIENCE:    This is what this place has in spades. The café looks amazing and looks very inviting. And I enjoyed the touch of having water in Absolut Vodka bottles, the alchie in me thought it was tops. 4 out of 5

SERVICE:    It started well, the one older waiter was exceptional. The rest, average. 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    What a let down, it was burnt and average. At least it was strong. 2.5 out of 5.

Leroy Espresso

191 Acland St, St Kilda, VIC
Date: 26.7.11

Since moving to the area this has become my go to café. I love the 70’s, slightly daggy chic and the coffee is mouth watering delicious. Plus the food is always high quality and tasty. In my opinion, it’s hands down the best café on Acland St right now. And it’s busy, always busy – people know it’s good. Here lies this place’s only problem – sometimes the wait staff get a little flustered (not the baristas, they are always friendly and making A1 coffee). On this visit with my wonderful director friend Fiona Hallenen-Barker our second waitress came over to check if we’d ordered porridge cause she’d give us a spoon. We hadn’t ordered porridge. Another time a friend and I had to order 3 times and then got the wrong food. But the staff are always super friendly and a few problems aside, I really do love this place with capital love hearts.

AMBIENCE:    Always busy with locals who know how good it is. The weekend is packed, so weekdays are good for a cruisey coffee and chats. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    The only weak link in this place, and even though they often get orders wrong, they do it with a smile! 2.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    You don’t get much better than this, I practically inhale it. Strong, rounded and a beautiful after taste. I want one now writing this. 5 out of 5.

Issus Cafe and Bar

8 Centre Pl, Melbourne CBD, VIC
Date: 18.7.11

It’s great getting lost in the alleyways of the Melbourne CBD. I am a Sydney boy born and bred living in Melbourne now; and in all honesty, the Melbourne CBD shits on Sydney’s. The ambience of the alleyway is so sweet you almost get a toothache. This café is in the heart of the alleyways and is busy, looks inviting and feels comfortable. But I suppose that’s the problem with places this “cool”, they sometimes get icy. Service was fast, too fast. Clearly they were busy because we were asked three times in the space of 5 minutes if we were ready to order and once our drinks were finished they were scooped up the second the empty hit the saucer. Whatever happened to savouring the moment? My friend Erin had a decaf skinny latte, seriously Erin, why bother? She found it too milky. While my first long black wasn’t too bad, the second one came out and I knew it was burnt just by looking at it. And it was, so that was disappointing. And as for the food, our banana bread was divine. One of the best I’ve had!

AMBIENCE:    Packed during a mid Monday morning. The décor’s great and welcoming. 4 out of 5.

SERVICE:    Too fast but friendly enough. Plus the guy taking the money was smoking hot. 3.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Erin didn’t rate hers, and my second was burnt. The first one was passable but not overly memorable. 2.5 out of 5.

Quik Shots

Virgin Domestic Terminal, Mascot, NSW
Date: 22.7.11

Confession time. I was here just after 5am in the morning. The morning after my play, “The Burlesque Effect” (go see it, it’s great – even if I do say so myself) opened. I had 90 minutes sleep and wasn’t hungover because I think I was still drunk. I was walking around like a zombie like my fellow travelers, if a kid had cried I may have slapped them. These places aren’t coffee shops, they’re factory lines. Their name pretty much spells it out! While they try to make it pleasant, and the design of this factory line is particularly nice, it’s no café with a great atmosphere. They are competent, but you can see the coffee isn’t made with love. No, I’m not talking American Pie love with coffee (cause that would be painful), but instead you can tell when a barista loves what they do. Here you suspect one day they’re on coffee, the next, making sandwiches out the back. But still, with the way I was feeling, it was hot, black and had caffeine. I just wish it were stronger.

AMBIENCE:    It was 5am, I was lucky I didn’t kill someone. But they’ve done it up nice enough, and clearly it’s better than Mickey D’s. 1.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    I ordered one coffee, the girl then asked what my second coffee was again. I was standing alone. I think she may have been drunk too. 1.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Better than Nescafe! Okay, that was harsh. It was okay, average at best, if slightly weak. But it did the job and got me through my flight. 2 out of 5.

Pastizzi Cafe

523 King St, Newtown, NSW
Date: 21.7.11

I’ve been a big fan of this place for a while now. I used to live across the road, and only my second time there the waitress remembered my order, the third time my coffee was placed infront of me within a minute of me walking through the door – without me even asking. Now that’s service. But since I’ve moved to Melbourne I’ve heard there’s some kind of great pastizzi controversy and some people are boycotting this place. I have no idea what this drama is, someone ordered pumpkin and got mushroom? But apparently there are new owners and people are devo. Me, not so much. The quality is still there, the friendliness of staff is as good as ever and the food and coffee are delightful. And those chicken and mushroom pastizzi’s, yes please!! The coffee is strong, bold and tasty. Sure, it looks ghetto, but that’s part of the appeal. No boycott for me, some of Newtown’s best coffee is inside.

AMBIENCE:    Basic layout and furniture that looks like it was picked up from Clint’s Crazy Bargains. The back courtyard is nice but I prefer the dodgy front area. The steady line of people in and out keeps this place quite buzzy. 3.5 out of 5.

SERVICE:    First class. I miss the lady who used to work there who knew my coffee order, but the current staff are friendly and feisty – just as I like them. I was teased as my coffee was made, and I liked it!! 4.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    This is a good drop. Beautiful smooth taste with a refreshing after taste. 4.5 out of 5.

BRUNO ROSSI

Jetstar Terminal, Domestic Terminal, Melbourne, VIC
Date: 19.7.11

I never have much faith in airport coffee. The only thing usually worse, train station coffee. I was greeted, even though that sounds a bit too nice for the grunt I got from the kid at the counter (who looked remarkably like that “If I had a girlfriend she’d kill me” kid from The Simpsons). He took my order, had to ask my name twice (apparently Wayne’s a little hard). Then he charged me $4.00 for a small coffee – I felt violated! As I waiting for my coffee the guy before me asked for the toilet key, the Simpsons kid literally threw it at him. Wow! I was ready for piss weak coffee but fuck me, it was actually nice. Better than nice. Still too pricey but by far the best airport coffee I’ve ever had.

AMBIENCE:    What ambience? It’s an airport. I’m a cursed flyer, my plane is always delayed. People walk around like zombies, me included. 1 out of 5.

SERVICE:    The coffee came out promptly, it was just served with contempt and hatred for the world. Ah, the youth of today. 1.5 out of 5.

COFFEE:    Surprisingly rich and tasty, left a beautiful after taste. While pricey, it tasted divine. 4 out of 5.

Journal

253 Flinder Lane, Melbourne CBD, VIC
Date: 15.7.11

From the street this place looks amazing, and inside doesn’t disappoint. This is one of the best looking cafes I’ve ever been in, the books in the shelves above the tables are a nice touch. But the centre of the room is filled with big communal tables. No matter what wanky hipster designers sitting in their funky offices drinking vanilla chai lattes think, most people hate them. I am certainly not at a coffee shop to talk to a random. Luckily my mate Perri and I got our own table. Sure, they didn’t wipe it clean till after I’d after my first coffee, but it was still just our dirty table. They were a little slow, probably cause there was a line to get in when we were leaving. And my second cup had a chip in it, but what’s a little bacteria between friends? But I’m probably just being fussy (shut up and don’t judge me, I’m here to judge them). Overall, it was a good experience and I’d go there again for sure.

AMBIENCE:     If you can avoid the communal tables, you’re in for a treat. This is the way a café is meant to feel. 4 out of 5

SERVICE:    Slightly slow but smiley. 3 and a half out of 5

COFFEE:    Good without being great. Happily went back for a second cup. 3 and a half out of 5